This post is two months late but I've been contemplating this past year and now I'm 31 and pregnant.  

It feels great to be healthy and alive.  My baby reminds me to be grateful for my health and physical abilities.  I love my body more and more each waking day seeing it grow and change to nurture someone who's already changed my life forever.  Society trains women to hate their bodies or imagine an unachievable perfect one.  But I wanted this baby and I want all the changes it entails.  How could I not love seeing the change?

I stopped fretting over people who don't matter.  For the longest time, I worried about what it would "look like" to delete all of my ex's friends from my social media.  I didn't want to delete people I don't actually talk to but just ran in the same circles of fr

iends I had mutual friends with.  But I thought to myself — why? Why do I literally care or fret over people who I don't actually see nor talk to?  I know my ex's friends use me more for gossip than anything.  They gossip amongst themselves and to him.  Honestly, people will talk regardless if they follow me or see what I'm up to on social media.  But I'm choosing to not expose myself to them more than anything.  I'm closing my circle.  I'm protecting my space to remain positive and surround myself with those who keep me happy.  I deactivated my old Instagram account because I literally followed anyone who would follow me and find myself happier.  I deleted people who don't need access to my life and the things I write about and post as well.  I'm not mad or upset or have anything against individuals I deleted.  It's just I find that social media is such a superficial platform and I don't need likes to feel loved or gratification.  I want real connection.  That's what they should be used for — to help maintain connection not distance ourselves even further.  I'm a very nostalgic person so to actually realize someone who's helped me in my past or been a huge part of it doesn't necessarily mean they need to be included in my present and future.  The connection works both ways, I'm aware.  If they don't work at staying connected with me and I them, then our priorities are just different and we're on different planes.  There doesn't need to be any harm or hate or malice for that disconnect to happen.  There 

I stopped placing energy where I knew there's negative vibes or harm.  There have been many instances where I wasn't happy with a situation but I did something anyways because I felt obligated to follow through.  Like living with unfair and cruel people or going to an event because I was invited, I'm not obligated to anyone but myself and whom  I chose to be.  No one deserves my loyalty unless I opt to give that to them.  I should only give the time and place to people who make me happy and meet me halfway.  People can't always meet you half way, but the effort should be mostly present.  For the people who've lied to me, constantly chose to cancel me versus any other choices, said or done things that are further from kindness, and don't put in effort as I would them, I just stopped.  I can't put time and energy where I don't feel I'm being met partial way let alone half way.  For those who know me know I'd 100% drive out of my way to hang out or see people but I started to ask myself why I'm doing that for people who I don't feel are treating me well.  Life and time is limited.  We're temporary in this world so I like the idea of making moments with the people in our lives count.  So why put forth energy and time to people who have other priorities constantly and just don't treat me well?  I know for a fact I would pass on anyone who didn't treat Chris well or wasn't kind so why give people I might have had a history with a pass?  It's only fair if I take my treatment as face value and not just based on a possible positive history that no longer exists.  So for those who didn't and don't put an effort in to attend my events but I have and did for them, those who don't respond to me, those who have been harsh or mean towards me, those who don't put effort in unless it's convenient or beneficial, I just put a hard stop on it all.  I'm so much happier and relieved for it all and it's created a positive and nurturing environment for Chris and me as well as our future baby.  That's what I want for my baby: to have self value and self respect to know when to opt out and choose yourself when others are not protecting your peace.  If people are causing harm or constantly choosing themselves, chances are you aren't and won't be a priority anytime soon.

I will celebrate and not answer to anyone.  Honestly, I totally failed at this talking about my birthday and baby shower.  But after back and forth trying to accommodate others, I told myself forget it.  Why am I bending over backwards for people who aren't and won't do the same?  I can't always cater to everyone and I shouldn't have to.  Just like how I would cater to others for their big life events, sometimes people should cater to me too.  So I set the plans in motion and whoever came or will come will.  Whoever don't just because tells me a lot more about themselves and how they prioritize our relationship more than anything.  I know there are exceptions but I also know sometimes there aren't depending on the reasoning and timing.  

I'm trying to improve myself.  I know that the people closest to us oftentimes tend to be the ones we make suffer the most and we put energy towards people who don't deserve that time and space.  So I asked myself why?  Why am I not prioritizing and showing gratitude towards those I love most and making them suffer?  Taking out my anger, openly expressing my anger without regards are all toxic traits I try to eliminate from my life so why am I subscribing this to people closest to me?  I should try better to be a positive force and not the negative that has harmed me time and time again.  I try to pause on my anger and the negative I feel so that I don't immediately act on it.  All the annoyances I feel, I don't act on because sometimes it's just a waste of time and in no way beneficial.  I can choose who I talk to daily and I don't always have to respond to every single person or everything said and done to me.  Sometimes walking away or taking pause is the healthier and better option.  Don't get me wrong — I will always defend myself and stand up for myself where I see fit.  I just feel like everything deserves your time.  

Exciting and positive changes are coming and there will be lots of ups and downs and missteps but I need to make room for that and close doors to things I don't have time and space for.  Over time, I just find myself to be able to prioritize better and I've never felt happier with these decisions, standards, self love and respect that I've come to terms with and set for myself.  To another year of hard lessons, exciting changes and adventures to come — cheers 💛.