A lesson I'm continuously learning is setting boundaries for myself because I never knew what boundaries were before, nor how necessary they are until the hard lessons taught me so.  I used to be a yes woman and never rejected anyone from any kind of help that was asked of me.  When I started having to do so, it felt uncomfortable and didn't feel right.  And then there were some relationships I trusted to the highest degree where I was clearly used and didn't know so until much later on.  After working with fairly different organizations, I learned my leadership style as well as work ethics.  I'm a hard worker and big on planning.  If i'm working in a group setting, I'm really good at getting the group to lay out a set plan of who does what.  But I also learned that people don't always follow through with what they say they would do.  Most of this work is volunteer so I guess in a sense, there's never really repercussion to not doing the work you say you would.  But I always did my part and then pick up the slack.  That's where I made the mistake. 

In a group setting, if everyone agreed to do their part, it's like a verbal contract.  If people don't follow through on the agreement, you are at no point liable to do so either.  I used to tirelessly push myself pass my limits to get things done and pick up what wasn't completed by others.  I would always be stressed.  I would stay stress.  I lived a high stress life and never found an end.  Why didn't I just quit or walk away when there weren't any repercussions?  Because my heart did not allow me to.  The guilt of seeing something downfall when it is in my power to prevent it kills me.  But my priorities have changed.  My mental health and well being sits higher on that list of things I want and need to tend to first and foremost.  Why should I feel guilty?  Why should I stress myself out?  There's no reason to.  It's on my to draw that line for myself.  People will never learn if you keep saving them.  Actions have consequences and people should face the consequences to learn.

I don't waste my energy on these trivial matters unless I absolutely have to.  And the funny thing is, as a woman who has this standard for myself, this makes me known as the "mean" one.  But how does it make me mean to set a standard for myself, and not put up with any less?  How does it make me "mean" to call people on their ish when they got ish to be called out on?  I shouldn't have to baby you on the things you said you'd do and then didn't.  You should know you failed.  You should feel like you failed, apologize and do better.

The funny thing is, I'm still struggling to define this line further and further and it's not a hard line I've drawn for myself becaues there are times where I'll succumb.  But I've been playing with these ideas and thoughts because I know if I don't keep at it, I'll surely be weighed down and drown. 

I'm trying my best to remember, other people's mess does not have to be my stress like a mantra.  I can't be my best version to share the light I know I'm capable of if I'm not my healthiest and happiest either.