I'm feeling unbalanced so I figured to resort to the thing that centers me most: writing.  

This overly dramatized photo was taken in the aftermath of my "dark days" or probably the toughest time I endured personally.  After repeated unhealthy, toxic and probably borderline abusive to abusive relationships, I was a shell of the person I once was.  I was always fierce, opinionated, fearless of choices and decisions I made, and went full force for what I wanted.  But somewhere along the way, those parts of me were shaved off into someone who was depressed and constantly thought of dying as the better alternative than what I felt.  Who I thought was the love of my life left me.  But really he was someone who controlled me in such an unhealthy way.  I remember dreading our relationship and his emotional and mental need for me to "save him."  But when he left, I felt so lost.  Who was I supposed to be and what was I supposed to do if he determined all those things during our short time together?  So I thought death was better.  It would relieve me from this pain that I felt so burdened by. 

I cried often and I took sleeping pills to numb the hard nights and pray that I wouldn't wake up.  I remember it ended and yet he was still pulling at my heart strings, sending me messages of some sort about our time together or what not.  At the time, I worked across from Our Lady of Peace where there's a huge shrine and I would pray.  I remember getting that email or text of some sort, crying, leaving work to cry some more at Our Lady of Peace.  A kind lady saw me, came over to ask if I was alright, only for me to sob.  I told her the gist of my situation and hearing myself say it out loud made it sound a little silly.  She hugged me, held me, and told me she once wanted to commit suicide but realized she needed to be stronger for her children.  She adivsed me so that I wouldn't do anything to what she suspected I was thinking of and we exchanged numbers.  An hour after this meeting, she called me, making sure I made it safely to my next destination and to again, advise me to avoid doing any harm.

She was able to put a lot into perspective for me that I may be going through my personal problems, but there's always worse and others who can relate.  I appreciated the gesture and I always made a point to ask the next person I see struggling how they're doing or if they're okay just so they know someone is there to listen if needed.  That's when I started opening up to people after secluding myself for some time.  Quickly and easily, my family and friends reached out to me and made sure I knew they were there, they cared, and I'll be okay.

I was never diagnosed with anything, but I know how easy it is to go back to that "dark time" if I let myself.  After this, I decided to share my story because I felt that within the community I grew up in, no one ever talked about this.  No one ever told me what depression was, what it means if you're thinking about suicide, and what to do in its wake.  I remember feeling down in middle school and high school and not having the proper channels of resources either.  And thus, this photo came to exist.  During this annual retreat I used to attend for youth around the Bay Area, I wrote, directed and acted in a skit that discussed suicide, depression, feeling alone and abusive relationships.  After the skit, I opened up about  my experiences that led me to developing this skit.  I cried a little, and then I looked up and saw a line of friends who didn't know, were sorry they didn't know, and wanted to make sure I knew they loved me and were there for me. 

It was such an eye opener to go through this and not realize how many people were there for me.          

Ever since, I've never forgotten that image of people lined up to make sure I knew they loved and cared for me which leads me to part two of this blog...

The past two and a half years have been crazy to say the least.  I met my husband, got engaged, planned a wedding while I was completing my master's program, dealt with ridiculous family dramas in the midst of our pending nuptials, got married and went on a short 5 day honemoon to Bali, my sister had noninvasive lung surgery to remove some tumors, my sister was diagnosed with choriocarcinoma (a rare but fast growing cancer developed during pregnancy), my husband's cousin passed away from prostate cancer at age 28 all in the same week that a dear friend lost his battle to depression at 23.  I don't think I've really every said all these things so blatantly in one breath and a huge part of me feels like I shouldn't gripe or complain.  I'm beyond grateful for the people in my life and the life that I live.  But at the same time, it's been a lot.  

My sister is in good health and recovering and so I thought these next few months would be calm.   Two months ago, I did one of my more daring moves and put in my notice for my administrative work without having my next job lined up.  I figured, I deserved the break.  It was a crazy year, I earned my master's degree, and experienced emotionally turbulent times during my sister's chemotherapy.  During the last week of August, I received a phonecall: it was a community college.  I interviewed the next day, and hired the day after and expected to teach the week after.  It was a quick turnaround - both scary and exciting but I made it to the career goal I've always set for myself.  It was crazy.  I guess a complete break wasn't in store for me but I couldn't say no and pass up the door that welcomed me into the next phase of my life (the phase I always said I wanted). 

Labor Day weekend was a rushed weekend of last minute planning and anything I can draft up from previous classes I sat in on and might be applicable to my upcoming class that I was going to teach.  My first class rolled by, and then I found out Donald (my husband's cousin) passed.  Through the year of chemotherapy, the cancer was far too aggressive.  We only found out about his funeral on Friday night that it would be held early Saturday morning.  I was filled with much regret that we found out so late because we would have made a point to attend.  Donald was kind and funny when we met right before he was diagnosed.  Ironically, it was a year from Labor day weekend that we met.  Even during his chemo treatments he was a joy to those around him.  And then more news rolled in - my dear friend Joseph passed. 

Imagining what it was like to be in my sister's shoes or Donald's immediate family or Josephs' shoes and his immediate family and loved ones, I feel I have it good.   What do I have to complain about?  So I haven't said any of this out loud really, but here I am saying it out loud.  

I know that everyone has their own baggage that they're dealing with.  And I know even more so that the happiest of people and kindest of people have their own baggage and things they need to work through. 

You have every right to destress and take care of your emotional, mental, and physical health in any way that you need.  

Go on a spa day, go on a shopping spree, write it out, talk to a friend, visit with nature, take time away from people, give yourself downtime, and or go see therapy.  Whatever it is you need, just do it.  Our society talks about "self care" and "treat cho self" and that's all a part of it.  We can't be helpful to others if we don't help ourselves, and the last thing I want is for anyone to feel pushed to a corner in which they cannot return from.  

Don't be selfish and know your audience.  

You may need to vent, you may need to do what you need to do, but don't burden others with your own issues.  Friends, family and any loved ones are there for you and will love you and probably do anything for you if you need it (as long as you are picky and stick with the good and genuine ones).  But also, know your audience.  By that, I mean if someone is also having a crappy day, that's not the time to vent to them.  Find someone else to vent to.  If you don't have someone else, find another outlet.  If someone is already having a horrible day, they're not in the headspace to listen to your problems because that is genuinely adding on to theirs.  If you genuinely feel like at that very moment you can't go on without talking to someone, maybe that's the time to consider professional help because there's probably a bigger underlying issue there for you to feel that way. 

I'm a venter and a ranter and I do so with my closest friends.  They know and see how much I'm capable of exaggerating, but I always gauge my environment and space.  If someone tells me something traumatic that happens, I don't add on.  I can wait.  Just the other day, I was rambling on to a close friend and as soon as I heard her coworker passed, I stopped dead in my tracks because genuinely, I was not having an emergency and my safety was not on the line.  It's like someone who complains about a 15 - 20 minute daily commute whereas the person you're complaining to has a two hour commute.  Don't be that person.  Again, know your audience.  

I'm venting a lot and I'm babbling but I feel like this is important. 

I don't know what I'd do without these people in my life who I rely on daily to advise me, let me vent, and just be there for me.  Even just hearing about their days and how they're doing keeps me going.  What gives me hope is positive human interaction from small conversations to kind gestures. 

For those who are dealt with a heavy hand, it shows them hope and kindness and that there are positive things to look forward to in this world.

Apparently they have something called chemo class so a nurse can give you what going through chemo will look and feel like so you're mentally prepared.  During this time, I met someone at 70 years old who attended the class alone.  She said she lived close enough where she walked to the hospital.  She was hoping to be able to walk to and from during chemo as well.  A part of me thought I should offer to drive her, but the way this society runs, I felt it might be too unusual of an offer.  I regret not doing so.  She didn't sound completely alone and had children somewhere in the world.  But again, thinking back to her shoes, I should've offered. 

I want to live my life the way I hope my future kids live theirs.  I hope I have children who are compassionate, empathetic, and loving not just to their family, but those who they cross paths with.  

As someone whose worked in administration for 7 years, I've had my fair share of mean, rude, and ungrateful people.  It amazes me more so how parents of students are the ones who act out and expect their children to be well behaved because the apple does not fall far from the tree.  As soon as children are cognizant of how you behave, they mimic those behaviors.  Some who have different role models will know better but also be embarassed of your bad behaviors.  I pray that I am on the other end of that spectrum when my time comes.  I've digressed from my main topic, but again, I felt like this was all important for me to say.  

To sum up, I firmly believe helping others starts from within yourself and that energy - that healthful thinking and living will spread to others.  Do what you must, and don't hesitate to help yourself in the ways you need.  It will show amongst those you surround yourself, but also help others along the way. 

xXoOxXo